Farewell little one...

I guess folks have been wondering why I haven't had any update since my last blog. And with the title of this post, you'll understand why. At the 8th week (Dec. 11), we found out that one of the babies had stopped growing at 6th week and did not have a heartbeat...

Our ultrasound at 5 weeks showed both babies, with the other one barely making the range. It was why my OB had us come back for another ultrasound at 8 weeks. They wanted to make sure both babies are growing fine.

For twins, they ask you to schedule a 2 hour session coz it's kinda like doing 2 ultrasounds...they need to make sure they have enough time to be thorough.  Although the weeks before, I had already been having dreams about one of the babies not growing, I didn't think much of it --- after all it's just a dream --- it never occured to me what the radiology doctor was going to say. The ultrasound technician didn't say anything, she just went on normally with one of the fetuses, did the normal measuring and checking of the heartbeat. Then did the other one, with just frame stopped and left the room. Nothing in her face suggested that there was something wrong. It was all done in about 45 minutes. She left the room and said the doctor will come in to give us the results. When the doctor came in, she had somewhat of a smile on her face or maybe so I thought. Then she started saying: "Fetus B is at a perfect size 10 weeks 3 days old. And good strong heartbeat." then went on without pausing "However, fetus A doesn't have a heartbeat" she continued on mentioned a few more things which I no longer minded and said "do you have any questions?" At the back of my mind, even if I wanted to ask her a lot of things I just wanted her to leave. I think Bobby asked her something but I was no longer paying attention. It was just too hard trying not to cry in front of someone I just met that day. Finally she left and I just burst into tears. I think we stayed longer in the ultrasound room just to wait for me to stop crying than how long the ultrasound actually took, I'm sure that wasn't true but that's how long it felt like. I kept telling Bobby maybe they just didn't look hard enough that's why they didn't see the other heartbeat to the point of asking him maybe we should get another ultrasound even if we had to pay for it. Though I know the moment they put the sensor on, they already know how many heartbeats there are. It's just too hard to accept and too much to take in. I was crying like a baby, I can see Bobby was also devastated but he was just trying to calm me down. The walk going out of the ultrasound office was just embarrassing I thought --- in the waiting area, you see couples with smiles on their faces coming out of their appointments but there I was my eyes were just red from crying. I guess it was too obvious to the other patients what had happened seeing my face like that.

Our OB's office is downstairs, normally wait time is a while, especially since our appointment wasn't until 4:30pm and the ultrasound finished an hour earlier than expected. But the moment we stepped in she immediately called us in.

She told us a lot of things which at that time, I didn't really understand but it did make sense eventually. Bobby asked her if it had to do with nutrition, if the baby wasn't getting enough nutrition and she said your food intake is being monitored by a nutritionist, you are eating healthier than before, it isn't the reason. The nutritionist doesn't only monitor if you are taking in more than you should, they also monitor if you are taking less than what you should and the right kinds of food. I am seeing a nutritionist since I failed the glucose tolerance test. They ask you to track down all the meals you took, blood sugar checks 4 times a day, ketone checks daily, 6 meals instead of 3 huge main meals. They ask you to add more kinds of foods needed when they see your list lacks certain kinds of food. I tell you, Filipino foods are just hard to jot down, lots of carbs -- lahat may rice, and very little green veggies. The nutritionists already know about it, siguro madami na din sila patients na Pinoy before.

My OB  also said, this happens more often than people find out about. Most pregnancies start out as twins but since ultrasounds are normally done at the 10th and 12th week timeframe, people don't even know they had twins -- it's called the Disappearing Twin Syndrome, I read about it on the internet 2 weeks before the appointment when I was having those bad dreams but I tried dismissing it coz that wasn't what I wanted to read about at the time when I was already anxious about my pregnancy. We had our first ultrasound at 3 weeks, they even wouldn't say I am pregnant coz it was too early. Only the 5th week ultrasound when the sacs are clearly visible did they say we were pregnant and with twins.

I took a week off from work, primarily because I didn't/couldn't talk to anyone about what happened it was too painful then. I guess it still is now. I can still remember how I felt when we found out about it. But one of the best things my OB said was: "Cry about it tonight, but tomorrow, move on...there is another life depending on you". In my mind at that time I was just thinking can you really do that? Apparently time heals all wounds...

Most of our friends have been emailing me and asking how the pregnancy is doing...I apologize for not emailing back, it's just too hard to tell this story over and over.

The other reason I wanted to move on is that, we have been waiting a long time for this pregnancy and the longer I cry over our loss, I would lose the opportunity of being happy and excited about our other baby --- that's kinda unfair to my other baby I guess. I'm sure though that this baby will just be doubly loved --- that's the least we can do.

Comments

[Joy]

"The angels are always near to those who are grieving, to whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hand of God." -The Angels' Little Instruction Book

You're never alone. Sharing your loss and praying for you. *tight hug*

[Donna]

I'm sorry to hear about this & I pray that you get over it soon.

You are right to take your time before you opened up, kelangan mo din ng closure & time to mourn.

By writing about it, you're making a positive step for your self, your husband & your baby.

Goodluck with the remainder of the "10 months". The only advice I can give you kahit di mo hinihingi, get your husband to give you a daily foot massage. It works wonders.

[Daryl]

sad news =(.. but on the other hand.. i'm happy the other little one is looking good and healthy.. I pray for your little ones and that God give you & bobby more strength.

[Tsarli]

It was nice to hear you over the phone again... :) As usual di ko na naman nakilala phone pal ko… Though Carol have mentioned to me of what happened to you, I was surprise of some stories you told me and more saddened when I read your blog. Glad to hear that you are already recovering and as you said you really have to move on, you and Bob have waited for this for quite a long time. I pray that everything would be ok with you and your baby… Stay strong Owan, stay strong…